


PSYCH!

by thejewelstateofmind



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Drabble, Established Relationship, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, Silly, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2016-01-27
Packaged: 2018-05-15 08:20:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5778298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thejewelstateofmind/pseuds/thejewelstateofmind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Hello?” came Harry’s deep voice.</p><p>“Oh, Harry! My love, please please come home now, there’s a cock—”</p><p>“Hello...?” Harry dragged out ‘o’ in bemusement.</p><p>“Harry, can you hear me? Please! Code black, THERE’S A FLYING COCK—”</p>
            </blockquote>





	PSYCH!

**Author's Note:**

> Psych or psyche—this isn't about the human psyche, lol. There's also no flying cock. The following is complete and utter tripe though. Enjoy!

The god awful thing was out to get him. Draco knew this fact very well. They would always appear in his line of sight. So what other conclusion could he come to other than the obvious: it was his destiny to destroy them all.  
  
Well, in actuality, it was more like it was his destiny to spot them all and have _Harry_ destroy them all in his stead.  
  
Draco simply couldn’t function properly whenever he spotted the hellish creatures. He'd freeze and tense on the spot as if they had the power to petrify—though truly no where near as 100% effective as indirectly looking into the eyes of a basilisk would be, for example.  
  
Seemingly innocent, casually crawling throughout the corridor, wandering from wall to wall; this nasty little one was particularly clever, having decided to show up in front of Draco at the most opportune time—when Harry was _not_ at home (to protect him).  
  
Despite his feelings of utter repugnance and the urge to vomit, Draco thought fast.  
  
_It’s okay, you just have to call Harry,_ Draco reassured himself silently, gripping the phone in his pocket. It was the only object on his person and it was _not_ his wand.  
  
_Good job, Draco._  
  
His wand. Which he had left in the room beyond where the thing was currently exploring. But surely he could grab a shoe or slipper and whack the nasty thing.  
  
Maybe he could try Accio his wand. If he obtained his wand he could obliterate the thing. Except he was feeling physically and mentally unstable, and even if he could, what if the darn thing scuttled off from being startled? Oh, no, no, he could not have that. He could not risk taking his eyes off it. That absolutely could _not_ happen. This torment had to end here and now, _somehow_.  
  
Then the blasted thing did the one thing Draco did not want.  
  
“Nope, nope, NOPE!”  
  
Not taking his eyes of it be damned—the thing was fucking flying! This was a code black-hell to the nah situation.   
  
Locking himself in the downstairs bathroom as the thing reigned over the upstairs hallway, Draco’s whole body spasmed in disgust, unable to hold the jitters in.  
  
It took a few seconds for Draco to gather his wits. Shakily, he called Harry up, biting his lip and staring at the door all the while as if he knew the thing was waiting for him on the other side. It probably was.  
  
After the first ring passed then the second, Draco became confused. Harry always picked up within one to three rings, yet the fourth had just gone off without response. _What_ was Harry doing—  
  
“ _Hello?_ ” came Harry’s deep voice.  
  
“ _Oh,_ Harry! My love, please please come home now, there’s a cock—”  
  
“ _Hello...?”_ Harry dragged out ‘o’ in bemusement.  
  
“Harry, can you hear me?  _Please!_  Code black, THERE’S A FLYING COCK—”  
  
“ _PSYYYYYCH! Haha, sorry, I’m unavailable at the moment but I’ll try get back to you as soon as possible. If this is Draco, I’m so sorry for not picking up, love, but I love you! Please leave a message after the incoming beep._ ”  
  
**BEEEEEP**  
  
...  
  
“Harry James Potter," Draco gritted out, "I love you and when you return home I will kill you.”

**Author's Note:**

> All's well and ends well as Draco’s anger for Harry trumped his disgust for the cockroach so he ended up killing it himself in the end. Moral of the story: never have a prank automated voicemail greeting. Nobody got time foh dat.
> 
> Drabble idea inspired by true experiences irl: 
> 
> 1) With my best friend and her old automated voicemail greeting. I went from happily telling her something exciting to feeling stupid, haha.  
> 2) With one of my close friends (and it's only ever been with her, is2g), probably about at least 5 times during high school, I had always cut off in the middle of saying cockroach. Legit idek, I unintentionally physically somehow stopped saying the second half of that word. Funniest time was when we had a small assembly in high school and I saw a dead cockroach and whispered to her, "is that a [dead] cock—" which ensued with us trying to suppress our extreme bouts of giggles for the next 5 mins, being in an inappropriate situation and all. Ahh, good times. We're more mature now, kinda. We call each other cock buddies.  
> 3) I can easily kill non-flying cockies no worries but one time my sister and I were so gung-ho to kill this massive black cocky and when we got near enough to it it started flying and we nope'd the fuck outta there screaming back to our rooms. 
> 
> Not sure if Draco Malfoy would truly care either way about cockroaches but this is what it is. Sozza for long end notes.


End file.
